


si deus me relinquit (18:03)

by pluviotae



Category: taekook - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 07:40:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pluviotae/pseuds/pluviotae
Summary: jeongguk finds a dating simulator CD and falls infinitely in love with "taehyung", coping with loneliness using obsession. enjoy.





	si deus me relinquit (18:03)

“si deus me relinquit”  
[18:03]  
Jeongguk lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, frequently checking his phone in his hand for any messages.  
No fuckin’ messages, huh?  
He was gonna home alone after school, per usual. Mom working late, sister soon going out with friends. Friday nights always are lonely for him. He continued to throw his baseball up and down, up and down. Watching the pathetic yet endless cycle of the baseball, him feeling even a small sense of power, knowing he could end the cycle any second that could potentially go on forever. Of course, he knew it wouldn’t. But the miniscule ability to make it stop made something inside him feel dominant. The only time he ever would.  
So bored, he was. So incredibly boring was his life he lived. Everyday the same. Tomorrow is always same. Yesterday is too. Everything in his universe perfectly aligned, but he wasn’t satisfied, never was. In a constant orbit of nothingness. Usually in people's lives, something will change. It has to. Whether bumping into a certain someone, making the person’s fate entirely change. Getting a special and new opportunity to experience something different for once.  
Why can't this happen to me?  
He thought.  
Am I not trying hard enough?  
He was always lonely, but never lonely enough for everything to stay the same in his small world.  
“I'm leaving, Jeon! Don’t go in my room! I might have to cut your head off!”  
He heard Yeeheun, his sister, yell. She was 15, popular with everyone of course. All the boys liked her, and all the girls wanted to be her. She bat her eyelashes in a way to entice everyone around her. She had something special around her. A rose-pink aura with the smell of elegant perfume always surrounded her. She had glossy brown orbs as eyes, believed to hold a few glowing stars in there. Her nails were always painted to the T, never chipped. She wore short skirts and high socks, able to make anything look like it was in a recent fashion magazine. Everything about her was delicate and pure, just how boys like it. He wondered if her world was in a constant orbit like his.  
“Nah, probably not.”  
He said out loud. Why is everything in his pocket-sized galaxy feel like it’s on pause? Or a cliffhanger? Constantly waiting for something interesting to happen. He heard his front door slam shut, and as that happened, he stopped throwing the baseball up & down and instead started to examine it. It was physically green, but it felt so dark blue. Dark blue with a mix of purple and pink. Like when Jeongguk looks at moonsets and moonrises. He always found those prettier, and underrated than sunsets and sunrises. He got distracted, he usually does. He got up, and at at the side of his bed, and put his face in his palms. He didn’t recognize he was crying until he felt the warm salty tear hit his knees. He didn’t even know he could cry. Sobs of pain and hiccuping started to fill the house, with him not being able to stop. Every part of his body hurt. His whole body was overrun by a feeling of worthlessness.  
No one would care if he was gone, seasons would pass by, the girl who takes his order at the nearby cafe would suppose he just doesn't come anymore, the snowman he builds every winter would be replaced by someone else building him, the dog he sees on his nearly monthly walk would forget about him, his sister would continue going out for karaoke night with her friends, his dad wherever he may be would go get blackout drunk (probably unaware his son would be deceased), his ex abusive girlfriend who broke it off would be glad that his inability to articulate emotions properly would be gone and no one cares if he disappeared.

  
After crying for 7 minutes, contemplating leaving his cruel, cruel endless cycle he’s living in, he got up and went to his sister’s room, pretending his sister didn’t directly tell him not to go in there. He helplessly looked for photos of her friends, boys or girls, and found a couple polaroids she took of them one night for fun.  
They look so.. happy.  
He felt embarrassed he forgot how to properly use the word “happy” in a sentence. That word lost all meaning for him in the past years. Jeongguk smiled as he clutched the photos of his sister’s friends in his hand, tears continuously streaming down his face, making their way into his mouth. He tasted the saltiness and despised it. At this point he’s been crying for 15 minutes, unable to feel anything anymore. He didn’t feel numb or emotionless, he was numb or emotionless. He didn’t know which one though, perhaps a mixture of both. Although Jeongguk wasn’t in denial of the harsh fact he was alone, definitely not. He just needed someone happy around him, make him become alive again. When was the last time Jeon spoke to somebody? Even he couldn’t remember. He spoke to classmates when mandatory to do so, only in few word sentences.  
“Jeon, when’s the homework due?”  
“Friday.”  
Was the example. That was his last conversation with someone. He opened his phone and went through his notes app.  
[Wednesday 13:56, Geography class. Jieun asked me when the homework was due. I told her Friday]  
He was ashamed of it, but he kept a note of every time he spoke to someone, so he could feel comfort when he came home. The most he’s talked in a day since high school is three times, he was proud of that. Most days were zero, but when he got at least one, he felt pride, convinced himself maybe he did have worth.  
As he reached for one last photo. He felt something hit his feet. A movie? He picked it up and analyzed the back. It was glossy and multicolored with anime boys on the front. He began to read the back:  
“Welcome to your fantasy world in WE✩LOVE! Enroll into Takidemo High School and explore & meet 15+ different boys of your dreams! There’s Juseong, the shy library boy who’s always in the library! Sibeun-”  
“Ahh, dating simulators..”  
Is this her secret on how she was so social? Practicing conversations with the conversations already on a transcript? He took it to his room, along with the pictures of his soon-to-be friends who would never leave his side.

[19:35]  
Staring at the CD, it could help him. Any socialization could help him. He needed this- badly. He carefully slid the CD into the slot of his computer, and watched the screen light up. An easy song started to play, sounding cheerful and ready to begin a virtual new life.  
[ Please select your language! ]  
Click.  
“Please work, Please work” he desperately whispered as the words descended into the air, he felt like he could see his pitiful whine disappear into the air the fan is swinging around, letters swirling about.  
[ Enter your name. ]  
He thought about it for a second. He didn’t want to be Jeon, he wanted to be someone else. A different identity he could hide behind. Similar to some sort of mask. He wanted to be like his sister.  
Name : Yisung  
Just a different version of Yeeheun, one that would be nicer to her brother. Dialogue appeared on the screen, he was meeting all the boys. All of them seemed so basic, Jeon nearly shut off the monitor was tear filled eyes hopelessly, before one of the boys caught his eyes.  
“I’m Kim Taehyung, I hope we can know eachother better, You’re so beautiful, aren't you? So desperate and adorable.”  
Hearing that in a sexy japanese man’s voice made him blush. Did he just call me beautiful? Jeongguk’s never been called that, nor handsome for that matter.  
He called me beautiful.  
Why did he enjoy being called such a feminine name? He had a muscular frame, baby face, but masculine overall. He enjoyed it, and he hated himself so much for enjoying being labeled as that one word. Finally, a word packed in with so much meaning and emotion. This was something he longed for, forever.  
[00:37]  
He continued to play throughout the night, exploring his options, how to talk to diverse people with different personalities. He finally had felt normal, a normal person making conversations with cute boys. Cute? Did he just consider these fictional boys cute? Maybe he was putting too much thought into these computer programs, he gave them all a fraction of his own soul. He felt vulnerable around these 0s and 1s. He got lost in this made-up world. Still, Taehyung had caught his attention.  
[ Congratulations ! You’ve unlocked Taehyung: Ending B ]  
“Taehyung Ending B? What does this mean?-”  
He got cut off by the sound of the door opening. It was his mother. He quickly minimized the tab he was playing on, and hopped into bed. The classic “pretending i’m sleeping” game he would play in his younger years. His heart rate got a little faster as he heard the quiet thumping of his mom going up the stairs into her bedroom, first to check on Jeongguk first.  
“Jeon? Are you sleeping?” she whispered, as if he would answer Yes mom, i’m asleep. She observed his room for a few seconds, Jeongguk feeling her stare burn into himself and his furniture. She wasn’t dumb, she could tell if he was fake sleeping. Maybe she was just tired, because she closed the door gently and went to her room, half asleep. The sleeping game had advanced into him actually sleeping, cause he didn’t have the energy or strength to get up after that.  
[10:35]  
He woke up, it was the weekend. The usual for him was to do nothing, of course. Maybe watch some movies, pretend that inanimate objects were real, he liked playing video games too. Video games.  
“Ah, right.”  
Jeon had entirely forgotten about his boyfriend- virtual boyfriend. He turned to those pictures he took from his sisters room.  
“Do you guys think he misses me? I bet.. I bet he’s dying to see me.”  
He turned to his computer. I’m so normal now. His computer held everything. All of his feelings, down to every single drop. He didn’t have many at that, but this was finally extra special. Taehyung’s digital hands held his every emotion. He was exposed to something not real. Fictional. He denied this though, Taehyung cares about him, he misses him, he loves him. He slowly walked to his computer, sat down on his huge desk chair and carefully pressed his monitor. He entered his password and made the decision to visit Taehyung once again.  
“Hello Taehyung.”

He whispered outloud to the screen, Feeling as Taehyung understood him. He opened up the settings option and selected “Taehyung: Ending B”. He clicked it and a cute little sound came out, making Jeongguk smile a bit, an unfamiliar muscle movement to him. A drop of sweat trickled down his forehead. What the fuck is wrong with him? Is he nervous?  
Taehyung: [ I missed you so much, mon amore. Your eyes are the color of the beautiful sea, you’ll never know how much you mean to me. I think.. I’m in love with you. ]  
Jeongguk’s eyes had widened extremely, After hours of skipped dialogue, he had finally gotten the ending he wants. He’s attempted to get Ending B 3 times before it actually had worked. He memorized what Taehyung says, and how to reply to it. He analyzed this character, spending hours on forums and such. Taehyung fulfilled what Jeongguk yearned for. A sense of worth. He needed this. Validation. Even so, from a fictional character, one who cannot feel.  
➔ {I'm in love with you, Taehyung}  
{Can we perhaps wait a bit longer?}  
{I’m sorry, Our fate’s have been altered, and I don’t love you.}  
He selected the first option. A cutscene began, and new art appeared before Jeon’s eyes. It was art of the main character, he named Yisung, and Taehyung on a balcony. Taehyung was tilting Yisung over, in a romantic gesture, lips just brushing. Jeon was Yisung, Yisung was Jeon.  
Does this mean we’re..kissing?  
He’s never received such affection before, especially not from someone this good looking. Blossoms of a rose color bloomed upon his red cheeks. His whole body thrived in the feeling of being good enough. Good enough for him. His delicate Taehyung.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this series is still on going! please comment if you want me to continue!!


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